The Quadrangle

Issue date: 4/5/06 Section: The Triangle

Media Credit: Associated Press "Honestly guys. F*ck off already," says Rice.

RICE SAYS "F*CK OFF" TO PROTESTORS ABROAD
Condoleezza Rice ended her explosive "World Conquest Tour" last week in Europe, darting tough questions and liberating dissenters from their testicles. After anti-Bush protesters rallied in Liverpool, England, Rice broke with White House protocol, openly telling Europeans to do what Bush has tried to express for over six years.

"I understand why people are upset around the world: partly because they hate freedom, but mostly because they are smelly, hippy-type motherf*ckers that do not believe in the American way of throwing down first and asking questions later," she said.

Though the audience was surprised by Rice's biting rhetoric, some admitted that they appreciated her candor.

"Well, it's a welcome change from the euphemisms and double-speak of the administration. I have to say that it was both the bravest and most honest thing a White House representative has said in a long time," said one protester.

Others, however, were not swayed by Rice's foul mouth.

"That b*tch is just upset because no one knows how to spell her name," said another member of the anti-Bush rally, "F*ck her right back."


CHIRAC ENFORCES NEW LABOR LAWS, "I'M LE TIRED" EXCUSE NO LONGER EXCUSABLE
In an effort to revamp the French image abroad, Prime Minister Jacques Chirac has wholeheartedly supported parliamentary attempts to re-write the nation's labor laws.

Among changes allowing people to know the reasons for their termination, Chirac proposed legislation that made sipping coffee in Parisian café's illegal without proof of employment. Additionally, the "I'm le tired" excuse, made popular by The End of the World flash cartoon, would be banished from usage.

"This le sucks," said Pierre Poupard, an unemployed Parisian plutocrat unwilling to do work that contradicts the French stereotype.

"My people will find this to be le crappy at first. But they can le suck it up and start working," said Chriac.

After approaching the French press over the landmark decision, Chirac both thanked and condemned the website ebaumsworld.com for airing the derogatory cartoon.

"This could have been another Denmark, but we do not have the energy to protest. Well, not all of us," he said.

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