The Quadrangle

Issue date: 4/5/06 Section: The Triangle

Weeks after the Academy Awards, Ang Lee has shown a sudden relapse in his grief that Brokeback Mountain did not win Best Picture. Last Tuesday, he startled the Hollywood community by suggesting that the Eurodance music group La Bouche was responsible for his film's inability to receive the high honor.

"I asked La Bouche to record a new dance song for what I hoped would be a stellar club scene, but they declined. I tried to do it with other songs, but nothing seemed to work. I had to cut the scene altogether. Needless to say, I was pissed."

It seems that Lee's anger may be somewhat misguided, considering that La Bouche's frontwoman and mastermind, Melanie Thornton, has been dead for four and a half years.

Upon hearing the news, Lee reportedly remarked, "She's dead? Since when?"

In fact, Thornton died in a plane crash near Basserdorf, Switzerland on November 24, 2001. The tragedy was vastly underreported by news sources at the time. Most news reporters were too preoccupied with the death of Aaliyah three months earlier to notice the loss of Europe's most beloved musical export.

"I can't believe I didn't know this," a sullen Lee stated.

It's not surprising. Very few people are aware that La Bouche disbanded not because people found their music annoying, but because one-half of the duo is not physically alive. In addition, many conspiracy theories have been sprung up since Thornton's alleged death. Long-time fan Jeffrey McSmotty suggests in his blog that Thornton is alive and well.

"I actually saw her downtown just last week. The whole thing is a massive cover-up. Eventually La Bouche will come forward with the fact that Mel is still alive and make millions off an otherwise unfathomable reunion." He posted blurry pictures of a woman of African descent wearing sunglasses and baggy clothes as proof of his sighting.

Similar websites are popping up all over, many with pictures from La Bouche's album artwork that provide clues to the possibility that Thornton is still alive. According to one site, if the chorus of the group's super-hit "Be My Lover" is played backwards, the phrase "Melanie still lives, man. Find her, find her, find her!" can be heard. The lesser-known song "Shoo Bee Do Bee Do (I Like That Way)" features vocals that are muffled by a pounding techno beat, in which Lane McCray is heard to sing, "I… buried…. Melanie." However, he has denied this rumor in interviews, claiming the actual lyric to be "Slime berry felony," a phrase that is far more characteristic of the group's lyrical depth.

World-renowned novelist and literary genius James Patterson has reportedly gone underway with plans to write a mystery novel loosely based on Thornton's alleged death. He and his team of unimportant co-writers have already begun sketching out the plot.

"As it stands now, the novel will be around 668 chapters long," Patterson announced to the press in an official statement. "But not to worry, because each chapter will only consist of one or two seven-word sentences."

Definitely-alive member McCray and possibly-dead Thornton have not yet given permission for this project.

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