The Quadrangle

In an event that has been building for years, Manhattan College was named the number one school for young scientologists because of its high population of students adhering to Scientology, as well as efforts to reach out to the community to spread the world about the religion.…

A scandalous love affair has strained relations between members of the Quadrangle's editorial board. On March 1, Dominic Delgardo, former Quadrangle editor, discovered Jon Stone, Editor-in-Chief, and Nick Marricco, recently-appointed News Editor, cuddling on a couch in the Quadrangle office, embracing affectionately.…

This past week, Manhattan College's renowned business major, Brian Travers, invested in one of the biggest deals of the year. Travers had taken a step forward and sealed a deal in purchasing New York City bar O'Connell's (also known as Cannon's). After weeks of meetings and discussions with both the bar and the "Pearl" Chinese restaurant, Travers and several owners decided on a deal that would benefit both sides of the party.…

George W. Bush officially resigned from his position of Grand Wizard Sovereign King of America early yesterday, after years of protests over the botched invasion of Monaco and the King's efforts to pave Yellowstone National Park to build the universe's largest NASCAR stadium.…

Former adult actress Jenna Jameson, once known as the "Queen of Porn," has been named the United States' most prominent philanthropist and patron of the arts. This follows her recent conversion to Scientology, which she claims has helped her find "the gods" and unleashed her inner Thetan.…

RICE SAYS "F*CK OFF" TO PROTESTORS ABROAD Condoleezza Rice ended her explosive "World Conquest Tour" last week in Europe, darting tough questions and liberating dissenters from their testicles. After anti-Bush protesters rallied in Liverpool, England, Rice broke with White House protocol, openly telling Europeans to do what Bush has tried to express for over six years.…

With Locke's becoming a thing of the past, the new replacement and sponsor for most of Manhattan's meals is Taco Bell, Brother Scanlan announced last week. Taco Bell is uprooting the unpopular Sodexho and bringing all you can eat tacos to Manhattan College.…

Manhattan College's improv troupe, Scatterbomb, has taken over the student government in an unprecedented revolution. Topher McPaine led the revolution, rounding up his fellow troupe members and eliminating the current heads of government. Wielding fake plastic swords and toy guns, the Scatterbomb members demanded control of the government.…

The School of Business has undergone a major change in the past week with the departure of Dean Suarez. This past Monday, Louis LaBud was sworn in as new dean. On May 27th, Dean Suarez stepped down due to an elevated confrontation with an accounting major.…

Weeks after the Academy Awards, Ang Lee has shown a sudden relapse in his grief that Brokeback Mountain did not win Best Picture. Last Tuesday, he startled the Hollywood community by suggesting that the Eurodance music group La Bouche was responsible for his film's inability to receive the high honor.…

The great musical legend Kevin Federline is to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Spokespersons for the museum announced the news yesterday in a joint press conference with Mr. Federline and his representation. "Although Mr. Federline is a major force in both the film and television industries," said Terry Stewart, President and CEO of the Hall, "we feel that his most significant impact has been felt in the music industry.…

It is agreed upon by most scholars that Jay Underwood is the greatest person in the world. He has appeared in commercials for Advil, McDonalds, and Purina. Jay is an actor of such incredible talent that his only rivals are Marlin Brando and Laurence Oliver, both of whom are not all that good when compared to Underwood.…

Like myself, those of you who are rabid fans of "The Simpsons" can recall a segment from a famous Halloween episode, "Treehouse of Horror IV," where Homer sells his soul to the devil in exchange for a donut. After watching this episode last week, I got an idea.…

Do you know what it is to experience discomfort? Try spending a day with a rock in your shoe. For many people, a simple rock in the shoe does not register high on a scale of pain. With war, terrorist attacks, and car accidents as daily fears, the hidden threat of a rock in the sneaker becomes the scurf of daily life.…

On March 30, the NFL announced that Paul Tagliabue's replacement as commissioner will be George W. Bush. Pres. Bush announced at his press conference that he plans to send teams to Iraq to help fight the war on terror. He announced that the NFL season will begin in Baghdad next season.…

In an upcoming book called "Game of Shadows," which reveals drug-use in baseball, Gary Sheffield becomes the second New York Yankee to be accused of taking steroids. He joins Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds to headline a very good all-steroids team. It seems as in order to be a New York Yankee the player must be willing to cheat the game.…

In a game that started out to be an exhibition, turned into a brutality and not by the expected team. The Lady Jaspers turned this game into an out right massacre. In a recent struggling by the Jaspers this figured to give them a boost going into the end stretch to their season.…